Finding Johanna

On Sunday, I completed my second marathon. I finished this marathon with a slower pace than my first marathon, but I also finished this marathon a lot happier. In 2018 I started training for my second marathon and quit because I hated it. I thought I hated running, but I have come to realize I was really just struggling with my image. I came to believe that running was responsible for making my body smaller and to keep myself skinny I needed to run. I also started to believe that in order to be a real runner or feel like I was good enough I had to run at a certain pace. I put a lot of pressure on myself to PR marathon number two in 2018 and when I realized those paces were not coming it made me start negative self talk and the constant negativity around running wasn’t about the running it was about my thoughts. When I started working on accepting my body no matter what size I was and accepting my running no matter how slow I was, I found peace in the process of marathon training. I nev

  I have been a fan of Kelly Roberts and following her for years now. Kelly is the amazing runner girl in new york, she is the creator of the badass lady gang and promotes running for all body sizes. She also started the #sportsbrasquad to encourage women to feel comfortable running in whatever they wanted to wear that they felt comfortable in regardless of how their body looked. ie: if you’re big but you don’t want to wear a shirt because it's August and 95 degrees on your run - then take your shirt off!!!    She has a podcast called “Run, Selfie, Repeat” and she talks about all kinds of running stuff and even has some episodes that are guided running intervals etc. In November she ran an 8 week series that was about ditching diet culture during the Holidays with her friend and dietitian Kayla Reynolds. I had already been on the anti diet path so I was stoked to see her talking about the subject. She enjoyed it and had more to say so now she and Kayla are running a new series call

  When I lost weight I got so much attention, praise and validation. People really treat you differently - it felt like the promise weight loss makes to everyone- your life feels so much happier and better! It really was for a while ... and then it wasn’t. It only lasts for so long and then it just becomes so much worse because now you have the huge pressure to maintain it and not be a failure. People tell you "you’re such a motivation" and "you're a real inspiration" and now you feel like you have to live up to other people’s expectations of that person. Society has completely bought into the idea that you’re a better person if you’re smaller. This is what most females learn and internalize. It has permeated our culture and it is something that most people have internalized and perpetuate either knowingly by actively participating in it or maybe subconsciously. The problem is I truly believed that, but then I was a smaller person and ... I was the same person.