Who is the person that inhabits the body?

 The image of what it looks like to be a worthwhile woman is ingrained into our culture... and that image is FLAWED.

For me the physical markers of the perfect body are to see my cheekbones and collar bones. To have muscular toned arms and thighs, a very flat stomach, and perky breasts. The images of women online told me that this is the body - the ONLY body- that is the good and correct way for a body to look. 

Society perpetuates this belief by applauding and putting these bodies on top of the hierarchy.

The numerical markers of the perfect body may have come from BMI scales - but I guess weighing 120 pounds and being a size 2 seemed like the best place in my mind. 

Pursing and reaching some of these goals did not bring me peace, confidence, or happiness. 

Peace - mentally all I did was stress over what I ate and when I could workout. I weighed myself about three times a day and constantly body checked in mirrors. 

Confidence - I had SOME but in general constant body checking and obsession with trying to get smaller made me feel like I was not good enough. The confidence boost I got from people validating my efforts was short lived. 

Happiness - Again a small boost of peer validation, but it was superficial and only there because I was adhering to the constant work and obsession of trying to be smaller. I never accepted that I was enough. 

The images we try to live up to are biased, manipulated, filtered, and self promoting. They cause us to hate our bodies, feel anxiety, and constantly live in a state of comparison. 

If you asked yourself how you want to BE and LIVE in this world and not how you want people to see you - you would find that peace, confidence, and happiness you're seeking. 

We live in an age of social media where we constantly push images of ourselves into the world seeking validation. We use filters, good angles, cropping, blurring, slimming etc. to portray ourselves the way we hope others will find acceptable. That image is not the reality of who we see in the mirror and then we begin negative body talk with ourselves because we don't even live up to the curated images we are posting for others to view. Trying to modify and control images of ourselves is understandable in a work that has taught us we are valuable for our bodies FIRST and as humans second. 

The problem is we now just picture ourselves being looked at instead of fully living. 

I worry people will see me and think I am less worthy because I have gained weight. Does my body shape or size determine if I am a worthy human? No. 

Fuck the idea that you need to adhere to any social rules of how you present your body for life. You are not displaying yourself for visual consumption. You are living your life. You can go to the store without makeup in sweatpants because you don't owe any other human your comfort for their eyes. The lesson that we need to look a certain way in public is a flawed societal precedent you can choose not to live by. I hate wearing makeup - I don't enjoy the way it feels on my face. I feel like society says women are only deemed acceptable looking if they wear makeup, so when I don't wear makeup  I feel like I am causing some kind of riot or not following the rules. 

This focus on my body consumes my thoughts. I am sure that 90% of women feel the same way. 

We continually watch ourselves - we are always accompanied by our image of ourselves. When we walk across a room or into a store, or the gym - we envisage ourselves and constantly consider the surveyor and the surveyed as part of our identity. Now we are just objects of vision: a sight to be seen. 

We are defined by our bodies - taught that beauty is our priority. Our full time job becomes to adorn ourselves in makeup and fashion and control our weight and shape to earn acceptance. 

My self worth is based on other peoples perception of my appearance. It causes me to lose sight of who I truly am and what I am capable of as a human - not as a body to be seen. The truth is that my beauty is not my life's work. Prettiness is not rent you pay for occupying space as a female. 

The pressure we put on ourselves to look a certain way causes us to be unable to actually be our authentic self. It is hard to just BE when you are always stuck surveying your appearance. While you're eyeing your body you forget the person who inhabits your body.