Change doesn't happen overnight...

Yesterday I was really down on myself about where I was with my weight loss. I was beating myself up over how little progress I have made and not reaching my goals quickly enough. I decided this kind of thought was not going to help me keep going it was the kind of thought that leads me to quitting. CHANGE OF VIEW - look at the huge amount of progress you have made since the beginning of the journey not the amount you haven't made or how much you still have to go. SO here is that nasty photo from January 1st when I decided that this was the time to lose and a photo I took of myself yesterday when I got home from the gym.
Maybe the number on my scale isn't as low as I had hoped it would be by July because hello I am halfway through the year and DANG in 6 months I should have lost 60 pounds, at least this was the plan.... But positive thought for a second silly lady - I look so much better than I did 6 months ago regardless of how "little" of my goal I have met. Am I happy with my after picture? HELL YES
SO now is the time to remember change doesn't happen overnight - maybe my body isn't going to lose weight as fast as it used to and maybe this body transformation is going to take more than a year... it has obviously taken me more than a year to get like this in fact my whole life. I don't remember not being fat- it is who I am. Who am I if I am skinny? Losing my fat is like losing part of my identity. For years I tried to tell myself this is who I was I wasn't going to change and I needed to embrace it and love it and I started to... well sort of. I don't love being fat I don't even kind of like it I just want to love myself and love myself for who I am be it fat or not.
I remember the first time I actually cared about my weight in middle school when I finally realized OH CRAP I am different and this affects how I am viewed by boys. I was 180 pounds! What 6th grader weighs 180 pounds? That was the beginning and now 16 years later and 70 pounds heavier I have 16 years of an identity to erase and change. Bad habits, bad thoughts, bad memories.... I have to lose them. This is as much an emotional battle as it is physical one and until I get real I won't be able to change. I will continue to talk myself out of the identity I want to find for myself (the one where I am healthy and where my body doesn't stand in my way but helps propel me forward to a long and fruitful life) for the one I know and I am "comfortable" with. I know who I am as a fat girl but I don't know who I am as a skinny girl and that for some reason is scary. BUT it is not as scary as the thought of being a fat pregnant woman who gets diabetes or gives it to her baby, a fat mom who can't run and play with her kids, a fat old lady who has multiple health problems and a reduced life expectancy...
So Johanna Smith Eppley get your bad body image and negative thoughts out of the way so that you can be the healthy mom and woman you strive to be. I can do it this time and I will.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

FITSPO

Image
So maybe I have been under a rock but I just heard about this whole "thinspo" ban from pinterest, tumblr, instagram etc. I was never into "thinspo" because I don't want to look like a stick. Example of thinspo BUT NOW they are talking about if fitspo is also a negative thing. Example of fitspo  There are mixed emotions about fitspo. I personally think that it is beneficial to me. I don't beat myself up and it doesn't make me have an unhealthy view of my body or make me do crazy things like starve myself. It motivates me to go to the gym which I need to be doing. This is from the new york times about fitspo being the new thinspo " But in our rush to focus on health -- or at least the perceived appearance of health -- we’re simply setting up a new idealized figure to chase after, and not necessarily one that is any better for us. What kind of monster is against health? This kind, I suppose. While I mightily dig the notion of ind...
Read more

Crossfit and a sex doll.

Image
I have been working out pretty consistently and have been weightlifting for a while, but I decided that I wanted to do something more. I have been thinking about trying CrossFit but I am scared to do it alone. I mentioned the idea to my husband and he said he was interested in trying it too. I am really interested in lifting heavy and getting more physical strength.  I am really proud that I have lost over 100 pounds, but I will say my body isn't exactly how I imagined it would be. I pretty much feel like this...  It's weird how your body just kind of deflates. My skin is weird. I am not really comfortable with my arms or thighs - hello short and tank top season. I also hoped my stomach would go away and while it is smaller it's just a smaller deflated version of what it was. I was morbidly obese and had a child. My stomach will probably never be viewed by anyone and that is fine, but when you look at this as motivation  and then you get...
Read more

Health and Beauty

Image
This morning after my multi hour internet health blog and pinterest binge I was wondering should I be taking supplements? My husband drinks protein powder after he works out but he is big and not trying lose weight but build muscle. I want to build muscle too because ultimately I want to actually have a fit body not just lose weight. I wonder if I am supposed to lose the fat first and do weights obviously while I am losing weight but then once I get most of the fat gone and want to be a more serious muscle builder THEN take supplements? I don't even know if I want to take supplements. For some reason I feel like taking pills and powders is unhealthy. Maybe because I have a past with the whole diet pills, meal replacements etc. I don't think those work and I think they are a waste of my time and money. I want to do something that is good and right for my body. I want to eat FOOD not take short cuts that eventually fail me. There isn't a magic powder or pill thats going to ...
Read more