We can reject our inherited cultural forces!

I can be very type A - I often display perfectionist behaviors. I have spent most of my life trying to lose weight to gain praise, approval, and validation and achieve perfection. 

We’re fed the image of the perfect woman and when we don’t match that (*spoiler alert: we never will) we feel completely inadequate. I engaged the type A perfectionist traits towards my food and fitness to control my life and ultimately the size of my body. I would obsess over making lists and meal prepping and having a certain goal of mileage to run for the week or amount of time I had to spend in the gym. I had to have a perfect plate and a perfect fitness routine. 

The productivity narrative is really impossible to achieve. You don’t have to hustle for worthiness or complete a long to do list of shoulds to prove you’re  worthy. You don’t have to do more or be more you can just be! The constant to-do list that I had around my food and fitness all for the sake of weight-loss seemed to give me control and make me feel like if I just did life perfect I would be happy - but eventually I just became completely mentally drained. Instead of feeling in control of my life I felt like my lists and "shoulds" were controlling me and I really had no say in my actions or choices. I would obsessively check my list throughout the day and make calendars and lists for the fridge. At night I would go through the food list for the next day of what I was going to eat.

I was doing things that I was told by society were what would make me thin and fit and I thought that the pursuit of thinness was the path to happiness. 

It was not. 

We can reject our inherited cultural forces! We can decide that the things we are fed through friends, family, and media are not things we want to adhere to. 

My culture told me that I should be skinny. 

My culture told me that losing weight would make me happy. 

My culture told me that discussing diet plans and sharing photos of every meal was normal.

My culture told me that being fit meant I had to run a certain pace. 

My culture told me that fit meant healthy and without muscles and abs you weren't there yet.

My culture told me that I should bring a tupperware of food with me since the food that was being offered at the event I was at was "bad" or "off plan". 

My culture told me that it was acceptable and normal to body shame with friends. 

My culture told me that my female body was something to be objectified and that if I wasn't sexually attractive that I wasn't worth anything of importance. 

Confidence comes from your own inner thoughts not from external validations or successes.

Happiness definitely comes from choosing to do what we want and not adhering to the societal norm or attempting to fit in to the cultural forces around us. 

 
Disordered eating is just as mentally and physically distressing to the body as a full blown eating disorder. The wellness community I ascribed to is just a diet that perpetuates weight stigma and attaches morals to my food. We think we’re doing things that are healthy and that we’re taking care of ourselves. It’s also a way to feel elitist and prove that we are “better”- or "perfect".

I had to organize my whole life around food and the focus of physical health and it destroyed my mental health. The new me chooses to reject the need for thinness and the need to control my food or schedule my day around exercise. I will do what feels good and what makes me happy. I will focus on my mental health and free up time and energy to put towards my family and daughter. I will choose to live for joy rather than living to look a certain way so that society deems me morally superior.